A strange fact about you and I.It is you, the man in the relationship, who says that I don’t speak about my feelings! Usually, that’s the woman’s complaint. Yes, I am unable to.For a number of reasons which sometimes to me also feel stupid.But that is the way I am. I can only express myself in words for I have spent my whole life folded between the pages of books. My world is one interwoven web of words, stringing limb to limb, bone to sinew, thoughts and images all together. So I decided I shall write you this letter. I am smilingly stupidly because it is Valentine’s Day tomorow too. But I hope what Aldous Huxley said turns out to be true: “Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly — they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced”.
I wonder if you remember the first time we saw each other ? Almost two decades back? On a rainy, windswept afternoon, I was standing on the ‘ ring road’ in front of the river Mahanadi, holding an injured pigeon and crying forlornly.The pigeon had been stoned by some cruel children.Helpless, I could feel its life ebbing away.You thundered by on a motorcycle and stopped a little distance away.You returned , asked me where I lived and told me you would take me home. Why did I not find it suspicious? That I should not be taking a lift from a stranger? Why did I just go and sit on the bike very naturally ? As if I belonged there? We walked through the back gate of my Daddy’s government house.That was near to the shed my sister and I had made to take care of injured animals and birds.You wiped the blood off, on that poor,frightened little bird and dressed the wound. It did not flinch. I watched your hands.They were powerful.Yet, oddly gentle too. You were a Prince of darkness and light, both. You murmured soothingly to the bird.And, I guess it was in that instant, I fell in love with the wild beauty of your heart.
The depth of my love and passion for you frightened me.It made me so vulnerable. People talk about the heart and soul.But to me, my mind is the only thing that is of singular consequence. You got into my head.Into my mind. I became angry because I couldn’t be logical about you.Me, who had everything and everyone sorted out in my mind.
And that is why I ran away from you. To people who didn’t understand me. I wept. I wept because the process by which I became a woman in heart,body and soul, was painful. I wept because I no longer was a child with a child’s blind faith. I wept because my eyes opened to reality.I wept because I could not believe anymore and I love to believe. I wept because I lost my ability to feel pain and I was not accustomed to its absence.Because you can only feel tenderness if you can feel pain.
So the years passed.There never was a single day when I didn’t feel the urge to touch you.Could you make that out in all the ”normal” conversations we had ? Yes, I ached for you.Through my various loves and half-loves.Through your various brunettes, blondes and redheads.Through that one woman who perhaps loved you truly…the one you allowed to stay for a sometime only because she reminded you of me…that is what you told her simply. She had called me up then and told me that it is only to me you have given that part of yourself which could break you.
Two years back ,you were drunk one night. I was reading Kahlil Gibran. I had asked you which did you think was more important to me. My life or yours? You had said ‘mine’. I smiled because you did not perhaps realize or know that you were/are/will be my life. Every lifetime Adi, I would choose you….jiski furqat ne palat di ishq ki kaaya ( the one who transformed the nature of my love).
Holy Mother of God , this doesn’t sound like me, right Adi ? More like a stupid, mushy doppelganger! Alright, my Dark Lord,die into me as I die into you.So that we are really alive.With hot, salty,real blood flowing from my heart into yours.Cut your soul up and weave it into a blanket to protect me.Rule my mind as I rule yours.Remember only one word: ‘Rapture”.
And I shall quote you this, my beautiful man.Not Neruda!This is you and me, non ?
“every mouth you’ve ever kissed
was just practice
all the bodies you’ve ever undressed
and ploughed in to
were preparing you for me.
i don’t mind tasting them in the
memory of your mouth
they were a long hall way
a door half open
a single suit case still on the conveyor belt
was it a long journey?
did it take you long to find me?
you’re here now,
welcome home.”( Warsan Shire)
And, I shall play you this,my bad-ass rocker.Not Led Zeppelin!