Forty & Mushy on Valentine’s Day

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 Valentine Day this year was truly a horror. Not only was the beloved not around, I was forced to sit through a dinner with people I normally run a mile from!  I also felt miserable because I couldn’t meet a friend, who is very sick with cancer, before he left for New York. Amends to my tragic situation were made at a later hours party with my beautifully insane friends though and I got back in the wee hours of dawn, all the time missing my guy…and thanking the Lord, that he is in my life.

So I wrote him a letter of thanks. Last year on Valentine’s day, I had written a letter to my guy, Adi, and published it on my blog. Here it is :<a href=”https://theaccidentalsufi.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/a-love-letter/&#8221; target=”_hplink”>https://theaccidentalsufi.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/a-love-letter/</a&gt;

It was not only my first ‘love’ letter ( we need to ignore the embarrassingly gushy teen missives to Amitabh Bachhan, Imran Khan, Michael Hutchence, Eddie Van Halen etc ), it was also the day I acknowledged to the world and most importantly to myself, the depth of my emotion for a man who is my best friend since two decades. Yes, I guess I wrote my first love letter when I am very much in my middle age! To cut a long story short, here we are both, after going through various loves and half loves, realizing the truth of Jonathan Safran Foer’s words “I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.

It is not that love takes a back seat on other days, but February 14 th , does have a charm of its own, despite the rant of the baiters and haters. What can be wrong about a day which celebrates love and romance ? C’mon, we belong to the land of Lord Krishna and Radha. And Vatsyana too! So there I was on Valentine’s day eve , middle-aged, mushy , most certainly  uh horny, thinking about my man, who unfortunately is in London.  Reports did reach me that the good man celebrated lovers’ day by falling into a vat of Scotch.

But let me tell you the reasons why I love him deeply, truly, madly….think I beat Eilzabeth Barret Browning “s ” How Do I Love Thee” 🙂

Dear Adi,
Thank you for……
1. For telling me that you love me more than rock n roll.

2. For never letting me win at chess and not feeling bad about it.

3. For waking me up on a cold December midnight in 2011, to ask me “If I say your voice is an amber waterfall in which I yearn to burn each day, if you eat my mouth like a mystical rose with powers of healing and damnation, If I confess that your body is the only civilization I long to experience… would it mean that we are close to knowing something about love?”  { Aberjhani, ”Visions of a Skylark Dressed in Black ‘ )

4. For holding me when I cry as I read.

5. For loving my family and my dogs.

6. For painting my toe nails.

7. For always answering ‘Baby, its sexy’ to my eternal ‘Does my arse look fat ?”.

8. For opening up and allowing me to curl up inside your rawness.

9. For kissing me on my forehead as I wept at Jim Morrison’s grave @Père Lachaise cemetery, Paris.

10. For telling me you will still want to caress my skin at 60.

11. For having the guts to admit that you hate my favorite author, Vladimir Nabokov.

12. For quoting Neruda to me.

13. For siding with my beloved sister against me all the time.

14. For, making love and pasta, sensationally and ready to do both 24 x7.

15. For not hating the great love of my life, the divine Jimmy Page.

16. For having separate book shelves and tooth brushes.

17. For agreeing that in the next stage of evolution men should get the periods and women need not squat to pee.

18. For believing that the scars on my heart and soul hinge with that of yours.

19. For knowing my mind as you know where the eleven moles on my body are.

20. For letting me be ‘ME’, never insisting on ‘US’.

Perhaps, next Valentine day, we shall seal our love with the epitome of all bonds and connections of the soul ? Ooh yes, we shall drink from a single coconut with two straws on the beach. That will be a first for me. I trust you haven’t had this epic togetherness moment as yet too.

I remain in love forever with the wild beauty of your heart and the beauty of your wild heart.

Happy Valentine’s Day! ( I hope you had a bloody awesome hangover too)

Yours as always,
Aparajita.

The Warrior In Your Life

 Ola! Do you have a warrior in your life ? I sure do 🙂 And this is what he tells me!

To my sweet wild woman, I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else—you don’t need a man, but a goddamn warrior.

You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not.

You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty.

I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out:

You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior.

It doesn’t matter if this warrior drives a Jeep or a shiny sports car, and it won’t matter if he wears silk or cotton—it will not even matter if he works in a high-rise, or on the night shift.

What is going to matter is that when it comes to taking bets on your heart, he is going to be high stakes—all the way.

This warrior of yours will crave your strength, and your intensity. He’s going to look at you and not see something to tame, but something to just fuckin’ admire. This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past, so honey, don’t even try—and trust me, you’re going to love him even more because of it.

Because you aren’t just a woman, you’re a goddamn goddess.

Your fierceness is going to bring him to his knees every single time he looks into your gorgeous eyes, but the difference is, unlike the others, he isn’t going to be scared off. No, this time, you will have finally met your match—because a simple man for you just won’t do.

You need someone to match the fire in your eyes with his own. Not only that, my little wild thing, but this warrior of yours is going to want to encourage the flames instead of trying to douse them with his own insecurities.

Because for you, a warrior is the only man who will ever live in the wild with you.

He may not have to slay any dragons to earn your love, but he would still walk through fire if it meant seeing that amazing smile that you hold in reserve for only him.

This is the thing, free spirit, this warrior you seek….he’s seeking you too.

For he’s had failed relationships that have left him wondering if maybe he was meant to be alone for the rest of his journey—and you’re going to change all of that for him. You both have been travelling along on your separate journeys and have been doing an okay job at it, but that about to change too.

Because baby, when you and this warrior of yours meet and collide—it’s going to be a love set on fire.

 Don’t try to run this time—I know your heart has been broken before, and that you’re not used to things working out, but this time it’s different. Give yourself time to see that.

This warrior of yours needs to see that it’s possible for someone to see all of his wild, and still be there when he craves his freedom and ventures off into this world for a bit. You won’t always need to follow him, just as he won’t always follow you. Let yourself stay wild, even when all you want to do is curl up in that spot along his side and forget the rest of the world exists.

Let yourself still wander naked under the full moon, and drink moonshine with the stars. Let yourself feel the pull of the wind on your heart, and the sun toward a new journey. Because this warrior is going to love you because of your wild—and he’ll want you to keep it.

You’ll be in this together now, this amazing, crazy, chaotic, wonderfully heartbreaking life—because it takes a warrior to love a goddess. And it takes a goddess to show a warrior what real love is.

So pack up your insecurities and your ideas about picket fences, because that was never you anyway. You were born knowing that you were destined for more, and now is the time for you to see what all those dreams look like.

There is no stopping a love like this, so promise me you’ll hold out just a little bit longer.

Have a little bit of hope, and always give love just one more try, because I promise you my sweet wild woman—the love that you seek is seeking you as well.”

( Credits: Elephant Journalhttp://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/08/you-dont-need-a-man-you-need-a-goddamn-warrior/ )

Over & out , guys! Gotta Skype the warrior 😉

Friends & Lovers: That is how it should be!

robert &amp; Patti

 This is a picture that I got framed today and kept on my worktable in the office. Its a photograph of Robert Mapplethorpe and Patti Smith. I love both of them. Both brilliant artistes and iconic. One in the field of art/photography and the other in music.I also love this picture.It depicts the bond between two people who can/could never be apart. Great friends and lovers, the relationship was tested when Mapplethorpe discovered he was gay.But I guess people who are meant to be together, just be together, no matter what. There is such tenderness in this picture that my heart breaks at its astounding beauty.

Reading about their story in ‘Just Kids’ by Patti Smith, I cried at the letter she wrote him as Mapplethorpe lay dying.

Before I let you read the letter, here is what she writes: ”The light poured through the windows upon his photographs and the poem of us sitting together a last time.Robert dying:creating silence.Myself, destined to live, listening closely to a silence that would take a lifetime to express”.
Here is the letter:

Dear Robert,
 Often as I lie awake I wonder if you are also lying awake.Are you in pain or feeling alone ? You drew me from the darkest period of my young life ,sharing with me the sacred mystery of what it is to be an artist. I learned to see through you and never composed a line or draw a curve that does not come come from the knowledge I derived in our precious time together. Your work, coming from a fluid source,can be traced to the naked song of your youth.You spoke then of holding hands with God.Remember, through everything, you have always held that hand, grip it hard, Robert, and dont let go.

 The other afternoon, when you fell asleep on my shoulder, I drifted off, too. But before I did, it occurred to me looking forward at all of your things and your work and going through years of work in my mind,that of all your work, you are still your most beautiful. The most beautiful work of all.
                                                                                                                      Patti.

 That is all from the accidental sufi tonight 🙂

Have a great weekend,guys. Listen o Fareed Ayaz & Abu Muhammad…enthralling.

Wise Ones # 21

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“What was it like to love her/him? Asked Gratitude.
It was like being exhumed, I answered, and brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose her/him? Asked Sorrow. There was a long pause before I responded:

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once.”

( Lang Leav, ‘Love & Misadventure” , made gender neutral by me)

See, How I left With Every Piece Of You

“Was it hard?“, I  was asked.
Letting go?”

“Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn’t real”, I replied.

What did you do then?’, I was asked again.

 “He does something to me, that boy. Every time. It’s his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry ”, I quoted ‘the little book thief’. I went back to that boy, who has become a man, and cried. Not because  someone broke my heart, but because I realized that without the boy/man who steps on my heart, I was  missing a piece of myself…he is the only one who makes that  aching, gut wrenching emptiness fade away.

I am the Dark & the Light

The  song is explained below.It has a deep, philosophical meaning which speaks of unconditional love that God gives us, which makes Him accept the stains on our being. Kabir says “Kahat Kabir Daag Tab Chhuti Hai,Jab Saahib Apnaaye Liyaa” or These blemishes shall disappear,Should the supreme master own me.

Manawa mein mere aandhi hai uthi : (A storm has risen inside my heart)
bas stubdh khadi hoon main : (and I am stunned)
Saanson mein baandh apani hi saan:(My breath is stuck within)
nishabd khadi hoon main:(I am standing speechless)
Duniya se jeeti jeeti, khud se haari :(I have won from the world, but lost to myself)
bas dhwast khadi hoon mein:(I am just standing shattered)

Aaina main aur aks main :(I am the mirror and the reflection}

madmast khadi hoon main:(I am standing intoxicated)
Laaga chunari mein daag chhupaau kaise :(How do I hide the stain on my veil)
Laaga chunari mein daag (My veil is stained)
chunari mein daag chhupaau kaise :(How do I hide the stain on my veil)
Ghar jaanu kaise:(How do I go home)
Cham, cham cham cham chamchawaat:(Its shining, sparking and reflecting)
antar mein gunje divas raat:(The pain is echoing inside me day and night)
Ek shunya shunya kapti vishal :(A zero and huge deceit)
maaya ka madhyam mantra jaal :(A moderate magical net of delusion)
Mann ki dasha se ladati main phirati :(I have fought with the state of my heart)
vishwast khadi hoon main:(Still I am standing for sure)
Mari laaj main hoon, chunar bhi main hoon:(I am in great shame, and I am the veil)
chunar pe daag bhi main:(There is a stain on the veil)
Ho gayi maili mori chunariya:(There is lots of dirt on my veil)
kore badan si kori chunariya :(The veil as untouched as my body)
Jaake baabul se nazarein milaau kaise:(How do I go home and look into the eyes of my father)

ghar jaau kaise(How do I go home)
Main dhwast dhwast, main nasht pasht:(I am ravaged and destroyed, I am robbed and ruined (of my honour)

main saral wirral, main ati vishishta:(I am simple greatly, I am precious)
Main shyam shwet, badal mein ret:(I am the dark and white, I am the rippling sand in the sky)
Nirajhar si jhari hoon main;(I am the rain that cannot pour down)
Andhiyaari raat, deepak main baati :(A dark night, and a wick in the lamp)
Swapnil si khadi hoon main:(I am standing as if I am in a dream)
Kanchan ki kaaya apna hai saaya:(A body as brittle as a glass, and my own shadow)
Bas khud se dari hoon main:(I am just afraid of myself)
Lakdi mein geeti, thodi seeli seeli :(A song in the firewood, that is burning but hidden)
Tham tham ke jalli hoon main:(I have burned in intervals)
Main maaya maaya, main chhaaya chhaaya:(I am the delusion, I am the shadow)
Aatma aur kaaya main(I am the soul and the body)
Nistubdh khadi hoon main, nishabd khadi hoon main:(I am standing speechless)
Vishwast khadi hoon mein: (I am standing for sure)

 Personal note: And that stain on my being which I told him about? He smiled and kissed it.It faded. It could not face the brilliance of him who is named after the Sun God. He whispered”Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds……( Henry Rollins) So the accidental sufi repeats to herself “madmast khadi hoon main ( I stand intoxicated) “vishwast khadi hoon main”(Still I am standing for sure). In her rapture rider’s love.